I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
