My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
