After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
areolas are like halos for boobs.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
