Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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