WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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