Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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