Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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