I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Your cock deserves a montage
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
