I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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