College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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