Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
