Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
