By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
