Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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