I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
