Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
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