im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
