i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I lost the right to judge tonight
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Randomize
