I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
