Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
My cat gives me a boner
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
