she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
