You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
