Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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