I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
