Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
