Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
