last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
