i was born a porn star she said
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
