In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
