Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
FUCK WHALES
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