I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
