you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Hippo gnu deer
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
