How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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