I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
