When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
