moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Can I color on your dick again?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
