Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
