before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
