...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
