That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
