i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
