you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
