Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
