M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
