I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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