I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
