Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
