I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
