1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
