do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
