My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
